Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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