i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
