my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
