My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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