Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize