I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
