Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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