it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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