I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
