If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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