whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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