Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
