remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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