i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
