No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
