Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
