I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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