is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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