i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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