dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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