I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
