My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
