it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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