I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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