I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
