im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
