I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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