I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just pee around me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
