My first STD was from a foam party
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize