I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
