Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The air was thick with penises
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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