Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
