Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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