Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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