thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
