see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
