FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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