Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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