Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
