Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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