More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
