the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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