How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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