I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
