Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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