Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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