I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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