theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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