I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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