Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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