Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
