The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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