He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
