I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
